Listening to constant negativity is a burden. All of us have grown up with parents of varying personalities. Some of us have parents who have been negative throughout our entire childhood. Some of us are currently dealing with newly negative elderly parents. Occasional negativity is a normal part of the human experience. It is not normal to completely discard negative thoughts in exchange for only positive ones. But, If you anticipate something negative coming out of your parent’s mouth every time they are getting ready to say something and you’re correct, then it’s time to delve deeper.
Different types of Negativity
There are many reasons why your parents are constantly negative. While it is frustrating to hear the same type of negativity over and over again, it is very helpful to dissect the negativity types. It helps to understand where it’s coming from in order to have more compassion for them. Understanding is also key to addressing it.
There’s a type of negativity that can actually be perceived as beneficial. It is when someone just happens to lean more negatively than positively. If not excessive, this is helpful because these are the parents who are always prepared for unanticipated circumstances. For example, your parents might pack an umbrella or pack a small first aid kit to go on a family trip in case it rains or in case one of the grandchildren gets a minor injury.
Negativity can be a sign of anxiety and overthinking. If the negativity you hear is around the worst possible scenarios then your parents are worrying themselves. This can also involve jumping-to-conclusions. For example, if they get a letter in the mail from their health insurance they immediately assume that it’s a termination letter instead of the monthly explanation-of-benefits.
One type of negativity is more focused on past events. If they seem freshly bitter about someone who owes them $5 from 20 years ago, and they regularly bring it up, then they are ruminating. Depending on the severity of this rumination negativity, this may be worth mentioning to your parent’s doctor in case it is a symptom of dementia or other neurological or mental illness.
Another type of negativity worth mentioning to your parent’s doctor is constant negative self-talk. Your parents might stop themselves from accomplishing things before they even get to attempt it. This can negatively impact things like physical therapy or even day-to-day activities. If their low self-esteem gets in the way of performing necessary activities or day-to-day task, it’s worth playing close attention to. If your parent constantly say things like “I’ll never be able to do that,” or “Look at what I’ve become,” then they might be depressed.
Being negative is also a good way for your parents to subconsciously take control of their situation. Aging is an unsettling process. Many times our parents are nervous about all the changes that they are going through. They may be able to manipulate situations to work out in their favor by being negative. Keep in mind that they may not realize what they’re doing. Let’s say you signed them up for some elderly community activities without consulting them. They might react negatively. In this situation, if they are negative about going to this program, they are less likely to go and you’re less likely to take them. In this context, their negativity is merely an expression of their inflexibility.
Negativity can also be circumstantial. If your parent is a recent widow or widower, they will find it extremely difficult to not be negative. Any significant life-altering events can temporarily take away any ounce of positivity. In this case, it is part of the person’s coping and/or grieving process.
No matter what kind of negativity your parents have, if this is a new or sudden behavior, please let their doctor know. It could be a neurological concern or it could be nothing. Leave it up to their doctor to make that determination.
Consequences Of Negativity on Mental Health
Being negative can be a side effect of depression but the habit of being negative can also also potentially lead someone into depression. Negativity promotes feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. It can also self-perpetuate negative thoughts. In other words, being negative can cause a cycle of more negativity. And because humans are adaptive species, the brain will adapt to this habit.
It’s not just affecting your parents negatively, it’s probably also affecting you. Regularly being around a negative person is no walk in the park. Negativity is even harder to deal with when it’s coming from your own parents. Parents have historically been our source of comfort and reassurance. Our parents have always been the people that we have looked to for help or advice. Because of that, it is absolutely devastating when your own parent is the primary source of negativity.
If you spend enough time around your negative elderly parents behavior, you might even start to experience a negative voice in your own head. Many people start having self-limiting thoughts or anxiety after a while. Some people can almost hear their parent’s voice in their head being negative. If you feel like the negativity is affecting you, start looking for ways to take care of yourself. Addressing the negativity and doing things like practicing gratitude may help offset the impact of negativity on your mental health.
Relationships with negative people are simply tedious encounters with porcupines. You don’t have the remote knowledge how to be close to them without quills being shot in your direction.
Shannon L. Alder
4 different Ways to respond to Elderly parents’ negativity
The best way to protect yourself from the constant negativity is to remove yourself from the situation. However, these are our negative elderly parents. As much as we want to run away from them sometimes, we don’t. This can cause us to start feeling trapped. It helps to start addressing the negativity head-on. The goal is to decrease the frequency and/or severity of the negativity.
1. Gently bring awareness to your parents’ negativity. Some people may not realize that they are being negative and are able to do it less often once they realize it.
2. Redirect your parents away from their negativity. As soon as they start with negative comments, gently change the topic to something less negative that they will like to talk about.
3. Address the type of negativity head on. For example, if they seem to be using their negativity to manipulate a situation, ask them about it and encourage them to verbalize what their concerns are instead. And listen to them.
4. Set boundaries. If you have tried the previous methods without any results, it might be time to begin setting boundaries. For your sake, you must firmly tell your parents that constant negativity will not be tolerated.
Embrace the balance
Remember, everything can’t be bright and positive all the time. Thinking positively 100% of the time is as big of a concern as constantly thinking negatively. Your parents are allowed to have some negative thoughts and have some pessimistic ideas. The problem becomes when the negativity takes over and begins to consume your parents; it can seem like it’s all that can come out of their mouths. When you begin to dread every word that comes out of their mouths for fear of hearing something negative, you have negative elderly parents.
Do what you can to take care of your parents’ mental health but first and foremost, you need to take care of yourself and protect your mental health.
